In the beginning, no way could I crack a 'grief' book. No way.
It wouldn't have worked back then. I had to keep moving, moving, moving. I still do, but at least now, sometimes I can allow myself to stop and read. Even if only bits and pieces. Lots of reading started taking place during my lunch hour at work when I could pull away into a quiet place and focus.
The book, and I think it's the last one I was given to read, is Love Never Dies by Larry M. Barber. It's very possible that I've already referenced this book? Either way, I highly recommend it to those who are dealing with loss.
Here is the passage:
The first common unhealthy grief response results from rebelling against 'giving up' or forgetting about their loved one in order to heal. Mourners taking this grief path hold on to their loved one by clinging to the past and a relationship that cannot exist in the same form as it did prior to the death.
As a result these mourners use all their energies to keep the past alive. In fact, they expend more energy to stubbornly hang on to history than the energy it would take to acknowledge and adapt to the new reality. They are unable to maintain a loving, healthy relationship that can now be experienced emotionally and spiritually, but not physically. Their endless yearning for the reality that can no longer exist robs them of the healing and joy they could experience now. They think erroneously that healthy grieving makes it impossible to carry their loved one and their memories into the future with them.Healing from loss is tough work, my friendly readers. Believe me. You think you're doing great, and then a neighbor comes over, brings you supper, speaks softly with you, and then asks to pray with you ... striking a chord deep inside your soul ... cracking the dam that holds back the flood waters.
When will this end? - you will wonder.
What is the point? - you will question.
What is going to happen to me in this 'couple' world? - you will whine.
Well, when I've figured all of that out, I will let you know ...
|Our last New Year's Eve|
In the meantime, I am going to work on carrying Terry's memory with me ... into my future ... still maintaining a loving and healthy relationship ... emotionally and spiritually.
Yes, I will always miss him. Yes, I will sometimes cry. But I cannot allow my depleted energy to dwindle down to nothing because I cannot touch him ... because he is not lying beside me at night ... because he no longer brings me coffee in the morning ... because this is Friday and he died on a Friday and I will not get to go to a movie with him tonight.
The reason the above passage helped me is because - indeed, love never dies. And if I want to fully heal, I will need to remember that. I can still love him, though I do not see him, cannot touch him, cannot hold him ...